Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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