I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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