Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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