I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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