he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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