Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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