i need an iv and a liver transplant
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
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Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
should my penis look like a turkey
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
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I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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