you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize