I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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