ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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