Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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