Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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