I wish I could punch you in the face.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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