If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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