Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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