Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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