I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need to wash the frat house off of me
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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