The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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