Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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