Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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