I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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