I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize