Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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