how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
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We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize