Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize