Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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