the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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