This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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