rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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