i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize