if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize