Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize