Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
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My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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