The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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