To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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