just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
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Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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