Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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