Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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