does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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