I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
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The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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