Betty ford says i'm here all night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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