well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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