woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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