It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
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