I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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