Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
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They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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