I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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