he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
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My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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