Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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