You just made me feel so damn special
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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